www.stopsearchingstartliving.blogspot.com

I realized that I'm the type of person who cries at the end of happy romance movies. There's a deeper meaning behind that statement, but I don't think this blog is the place to explain it.

A friend told me I should blog, so here it is.

I guess a lot has happened. Last summer I went to UT for a bit and there was some conflict, so long story short, I don't attend UT anymore. Then I went to South College for a while. Now I don't go there either. Some family issues came up and I'm not able to be in school right now. It is what it is I guess. Now, I work most of the time...

The real reason I don't write on here anymore is because I always write about something new that "i'm sure will work out" and then it doesn't...So I got tired of trying to predict my future, and I shouldn't be trying to. I just have to leave it up to God.

As far as relationships go, when you rush right into something you'll rush right back out. Someone told me that I have flavors of the month and that's true in a way. I always jumped from one relationship to the next without ever really getting to know someone. I never took a break and just enjoyed a friendship.

News Flash

What is going on? Is this for real?

Yea, apparently this is the real deal.

So, this blog is about another guy, but this one is definitely worth mentioning.

I met the most amazing guy ever about a month ago. He's pretty much everything I didn't know I was looking for.

When he first started talking to me I definitely didn't think much about him. He was just the guy that I didn't really want to talk to....yea...I was wrong.

After about a week I began to realize how great he is. He has a fantastic personality and just overall makes me happy. I just can't describe the way he makes me feel. It's almost overwhelming. I feel really blessed to have found someone like this.

Now that I've said all my mushy stuff, I've got to be realistic. I'm concerned about this one. I mean, I'm feeling a lot really fast. So if this one ends badly...eeesh.

What the heck?

well...

I don't really see the point in blogging anymore since I'm the only one who reads mine....

I guess it was always just for my own benefit...even though I'm not entirely sure what I benefit from this.

The summer is over and now it's back to school time. YAY. I'm attending South College and this general education classes are way beyond dull.

Other than that I don't really know what to say.

I don't really talk to many people at school, I guess that's because making friends isn't really my thing...

My best friend moved away so I don't get to see her much.

We haven't found a new church yet but I hope we do soon.

All I really do in my alone time is chill. I should really start running again. That was a good hobby.

I don't have anything good to read anymore.

We went to see The Help the other day and it was fabulous. It makes you cry and laugh at the same time.

Getting a social life hasn't really ever been a priority of mine, especially not now that I'm in college. I'm realizing now that I don't recall ever having much of a social life.

OH WELL

I enjoy my time for the most part. I read a lot of science fiction.

This is really lame....

Time to make a change

Goodness! Things are so different now, but so much similar at the same time.

I have been living on UT campus for a while and taking summer classes...It would have all been great if not for the constant drama. Every time I get away from one mess another one appears, or maybe it's just the same mess following me around...Oh well, I'm through with that for good.

I've run into several obstacles this summer, but I don't intend to let them slow me down. Time to shed the hurt and move on for good.

Classes are really stressing me out, especially Sports Writing. I really have no interest in sports, so I don't know much about them. The only really good thing that has come from this class is me realizing that I really LOVE Roller Derby.

I just have to keep in mind that these classes and these people don't really matter because in the fall I will be doing my best to get a fresh start and dispose of all past troubles.

Some people this summer have been good friends and I'm thankful for that, but I think it's time for me to start pulling away from the pack.

Keep it Up

I finally graduated last saturday It wasn't that great, especially when I lost a shoe walking in, but atleast I made it. Now I start college on Tuesday. I'm finally starting to get things together. I've even some better ideas of what I want to do with my life. Hopefully it will all work out.

Life at home still isn't that good, and it's kind of getting worse. I just don't know what to do anymore that won't make her angry. I guess just keep praying about it.

Unfortunately my main ways of dealing with stress are keeping it to myself and trying to forget, or sometimes venting a bit to a close friend. Next thursday my best friend is moving away. I don't know how to deal with that....It stinks when people leave, but I guess that's just part of growing up.

There's been a lot to think about lately: friends, family, college, stresses, especially certain stresses. I talk to God about it, and He helps. Sometimes it's nice to vent to another person and hear their advice.

Oh well, just keep praying and trust God to work things out.

Dreams Do Come True

It's hard to believe that graduation is here already. It has been a long thirteen years. I am so excited and ready to start life. Tomorrow is the last full day of high school, but I have the feeling it is gonna be rough. It seems like I haven't accomplished much in my life so far, but when I think about it I really have. I've made it through school with good grades, been in great extracurricular programs, got in to great colleges, and had some fun. . . I will miss it though.

I have got some things figured out for the future: I am going to attend UT and then move to Hawaii.

There are still some things I'm not sure about: What to major in, what career to chose, what to do with my personal life, what to give up and what to keep....

In need of some guidance.

Figuring Out Me

Today has been a fairly productive day. I gave two weeks notice at my job, and I've been thinking about things a lot more than usual and have figured some out.

Lately I've been questioning what I thought I wanted. Something unexpected had come up which made me wonder if that wasn't the better option. It's been on my mind so much that I've been dreaming about it. I've just been really stressed out and confused anyways so this just added to it. So, I've really put some thought into it, and decided that what I chose to begin with is truly the best for me. That new thing was just a temporary distraction, and I'm looking for something more permanent.

This just seems so right the more I think about it.

There are so many more decisions I have to make, but I feel like this has been a big help.

Now my biggest stress is finding my calling. Everyone I know seems to have their dream life planned out: great career, great location, great family, everything. I feel like I'm falling behind. I've got it partly figured out, now I just need to figure out what I'm supposed to do....

I'm going to keep praying about it and trust that God will show me in time.

Hmmm

Good news: I got in to bridge. I'm pretty excited but nervous at the same time. Excited because of the freedom and no more high school. Nervous because I was somehow tricked into taking a swimming class....YAY...Btw: I can't swim....Unfortunately it doesn't start until May 31, meaning I have entirely too much high school left. Hopefully Bridge will be loads of fun. I'll get to spend my summer with good friends, and not as much drama as high school.

Bad news: My best friend is moving away after graduation. She's not going very far, but it still stinks.

A few days ago I got totally shut down. I don't really get why or what I do wrong, but it still burns.

I don't really understand why people at school feel the need to pick at me, but they do. This is one main reason I'm done with high school. In college it won't be such a small world. I'd finally gotten over my fear of one type of judgement when everyone started giving me another to be afraid of. I don't really know what to do other than pray.

I've been reading my bible more and praying more lately, but it would be nice to have someone else to discuss these things with. The last person I used to confide in left me. Recently it seems like I found someone to fill that position, but I'm afraid to tell him too much. I guess I'm just worried that I'll get dropped again. That actually worries me a lot more than I thought. Especially recently. I really dislike admitting things like this, because it seems like I'm having a pity party or laying out a guilt trip. I'm definitely not; just stressed. That's another thing I have to keep praying about.

Too many confusing things to think about.

Flashback

Ever just sat and looked at a photo and thought of all those happy memories? Well, that's what I've been doing this evening. I came across one a few months ago that was taken about 3 years ago. Every now and then I pull it out and look at it and just remember how happy I was then. What happened to that? I'm not going on a pity rant about how my life is so terrible, I mean I'm still happy just not as much as then. That photo from that summer makes me remember the really good thing that I had, and all the good times we had together. But it also brings back the thoughts of how horribly I ruined things. I just don't understand why I was so stupid. Why couldn't I see that what I had was amazing and that nothing else mattered?

The only upside is that I learned a lot from that decision, and it gave me the opportunity to make more mistakes and learn from them as well. I feel like I've grown a lot as a person since then, and I've learned how to better appreciate a good thing when I have it.

Now the obstacle is getting back what I lost. God keeps throwing it back in my life, so there must be a good reason for it. I guess the time I've spent on it so far will make me value it more when I get it back, if I get it back...hopefully....

I'm not really sure what else to do. I've been praying about it for months, and I'm getting some answers. I'm just not really sure what's going on or what's about to happen, if that makes any sense.

I guess I'll just continue praying and trust that if it's in God's plan for me, it will happen.

Life these days

So, a lot has happened recently. Good news:I've made quite a few major decisions that I am very happy with. Bad news: I'm starting to question one of those decisions.

I've been praying more lately and that has been providing quite a few answers so I guess I'll continue with it and hope I figure this out.

School is going fairly well other than Spanish 3. Yuck. All my other classes are great, and I have an A in them all...except for Spanish 3.

We still haven't found a new church. Mom swears we're going to Faith Promise one day, but I don't know.

Guy issues are steadily getting better. I hope it turns out well. I'm really happy with how I think it will.

Life is going fairly well other than that, so I'm just gonna keep praying and trust God.

Thought Train

Thank God for this new year. Last year was definitely not my best year. It was the most stressful year of my life so far. Applications. Senior Stuff. Classwork. More Applications. Waaay too many essays....Now all that's left is waiting, and even more stress. Seems all my work kinda payed off though: I had an interview with Dartmouth a couple of weeks ago, and an interview with Harvard this past Sunday. Yay!!! I also just turned in my Bridge Scholarship paperwork and I'm praying that I get in.
I'm going to miss a few people.
I'm not as stressed over guy stuff this year, but still pretty stressed. I'm not really waiting on him, but I'm not not waiting either. I've just been trying not to worry too much. I'm still super confused of course, but I've just gotta trust that God will work things out.
For some reason I've really gotten into Indie music lately. If you haven't listened to any you should really check it out. My favorite artists are Bon Iver and the Fleet Foxes. Just seems to fit my mood.
Band trip to Disney is this spring break. Kind of excited. I'd rather go to Romania...lol
The Mean Kitty Song on youtube has totally made my day. Watch it.
I'm trying to find a new church. I have no idea where to go. I'd rather not go back to my previous churches, but I'm not sure where else I should go. Besides that, for some reason work has decided to make me come in at 9 every Sunday...? I don't get it.
Whoever said this year wouldn't be stressful is wrong. I spend entirely too much time trying not to care.

I am so tired.

I've decided...kinda

Decisions Decisions...
Well, even though I really hate having to make them, I have made some decisions.
I definitely want to go to Vanderbilt for college. I feel like its the right school for me, so everyone please be praying I get in. I'm still not sure what I want to major in, but I'll figure it out eventually.
I will not take anyones crap from now on. Look, I am who I am. No, I am not a lesbian. No, I do not look like a guy. Yes, I am weird, crazy, and a nerd. If you have a problem then deal with it.
I am so over all the drama. Do not bring that crap around me anymore.
I always seem to be having guy trouble, and I'm still having it now. I've definitely made a decision about it too, but it's complicated.
I am tired of coming home after a crappy day just to hear that my mom has created something else to blame me for. For example, she locked the door as she went out. I stayed in the chair the whole time, but when she came back and was locked out she decided that I had got up and locked her out. She chewed me out. Ridiculous.
I am going to Romania at some point. I will live there, start over, and be happy(hopefully).
Gosh, life is sooo complicated. I keep praying for answers, and the answers I'm getting are very clear. But I don't want to tell someone what they are. But if I did this would all be so much simpler....haha that makes sense to me, but I doubt it will to anyone else...oh well.

Love?

I don't understand how some girls "fall in love" so easily.
On saturday they start dating someone new, and by sunday night they are "in love" with that guy. It's ridiculous. Then the next week they break up and find another guy, and are officially "in love" again. I just don't get it. Real love doesn't form over night. It takes time and really getting to know that person. And it is not something you forget when the next guy comes along.

Remember Me

Even now as she gives him little hints he pretends not to care. If only she could see into his mind and know why he's doing this and what he really thinks of her. She used to call him an open book, but now he's so guarded around her. She hates it. Hates herself, because its all her fault that he doesn't remember her.

FML

Saturday at the competition a guy from another band kept calling me a guy until someone told him I'm not. That sucks. How do I look like a guy? I did not think I looked that awful, but I guess so... Whats even suckier is that two of my friends were sitting right there and said nothing. Well actually they cracked up. They laughed so hard they cried. I cried too.
But you know what always makes things better?

http://www.fmylife.com/

All this time

Well, I officially have two new favorite artists: Imogen Heap and Bon Iver. Best music ever. Especially hide and seek by imogen heap, which you need to listen to because its on my playlist on here. I've realized I like indie music better than just about anything else. If you've never really heard it, then get on pandora and make a bon iver station. You'll hear some really beautiful moving artists.
Anyways, I haven't posted in forever, so I might as well. I don't really know what to say. Life is very confusing right now. I have no clue what university to attend, what career to pursue, or even what church to go to...I'm just praying that God will guide me there, and soon.
I don't really want to make this post entirely about guys, because that's what my last few have been about. But I'm going to say a little about them anyways because I need to. In case you didn't know since my last post, Dalton and I broke up forever ago....Now I'm single again and extremely confused. A guy that I've liked forever has finally started to show interest, but something else has come up. I have no idea how to proceed. I've been praying for signs and I'm getting them but they're confusing me. The meaning is pretty clear, but I'm just like really? That can't be because..no way. But they just keep on coming. ugh...
You really have to listen to this song(hide and seek) because honestly its beautiful and almost breathtaking.
I don't usually wait for any certain guy, except for the obvious one, but I've realized that I sort of am now and I have no idea why. He doesn't seem interested whatsoever but I can't seem to get him out of my head. It's got to the point that even when I'm around the one I've waited on for years I'm still thinking of the other. That's how I realized I'm kind of waiting. I really shouldn't be though. Just going to end with more pain that I'll have to put away with all the rest.
I just don't get life sometimes.
Mom and I still don't get along, and it seems to be getting worse. Now she'll scream at me for random things and then refuse to talk to me or even acknowledge my presence. Oh well.

I've also recently realized how much I regret certain choices I've made.

Some I'd really like to take back.

But that is life.

The fall of my summer

So, I haven't posted anything in a while because my computer is gay and wouldn't let me.lol...but anyways, a lot has happened...
Well I went to the beach with Ariel and we had an absolute blast. It was totally amazing. We went with her dad, his wife deon, her kids, and these people they know who brought their two grandsons: Dalton and Cody. Well, I thought Dalton was cute from the very start, just very shy.lol. So we started playin around a lot and just having a blast, and once we got home we decided to stay in touch and take it to the next step: a relationship....Well, on the beach trip I had an amazing time with him, but now I stay pretty confused because sometimes he acts like he doesn't really want to hang out with me. I just don't get why....Then again other times he's totally different...idk...maybe I'm just being paranoid...Just wish we could spend more time together...So the beach was one of the best weeks of my life. You know one of those times you wish could last forever, but it didn't. Now I'm back here in the sucky reality that is my life.
Mom hasn't changed a bit. From the moment I got home she gave me a hard time. I never do anything right or good enough for her. I'm just worthless and good-for-nothing. Now she's starting to act like she just doesn't care what I do in general. I don't really get grounded anymore, I go places and she doesn't even ask where...The only recent sign I've had that she cares was the other day when she accused me of being pregnant; which is pretty impossible....The people at work don't help much.They're always yelling at us for things we didn't do, or describing how what we did isn't good enough...Plus band camp is coming up which is just stressful to think about, and senior year of course...I still have no idea what to do afterwards....I'm about to be an adult, and I have no idea what kind of adult I want to be. wow that sounds pathetic........ugh.....And my only escape is a person who's always so distant, I wonder if he ever really hears what I'm saying to him......

Sweeney Todd!!!!!!!

Yay!!! I found a great Sweeney Todd website.lol....
http://www.sweeneytoddmovie.com/

Romeo?

....hmm....Have you ever just sat and listened to a song. I mean like with no distractions and nothing else going on...just listened and thought. I haven't done that in a long time and today I have...Its made me think about a lot of things in my life. Don't laugh either because I know its cheesy but I'm listening to Secondhand Serenade. He's actually a lot better than one would think. His songs have actually hit a lot deeper than I could have ever thought...They make me think about all the things I wish I had , the things I wish I'd done, and the guy I wish I could find...You see, I've always dreamed of finding this perfectly amazing guy and never settling for anything less. It made me feel better and reassured me that I will when my friends didn't have anyone either, but now they've pretty much found those guys. It kind of sucks. Now I feel like even more of a loser/loner than ever.Yes I know it sounds dumb because I'm only 16 but it makes me a little sad . Sort of like we're at the prom and I'm the one left standing against the wall thats not good enough to be asked to dance and they're all out twirling around the floor with the guys of their dreams.....