Idiotic guys.lol

Okay.....so I've officially decided that guys are idiots....I was talking to one recently and he turned out to be a jerk so now I've been trying to ignore and avoid him, but he just wont go away....ugh.....He is now officially stalking me and its getting ridiculous....He hangs around outside and in all my classes and talks to all my friends and everyone else except for me....And now on his face book he has crap up about being in love with me and telling people that they should find me on face book and tell me to forgive him (which isn't going to happen)....This is just ridiculous....Okay and now I've found out that he's telling people that we're still dating/in a relationship, and I am so sick of it! He also has put it on his myspace apparently that he is about to be engaged to me or something like that. So now he's stalking me and spreading stuff about me ugh. And now his friends watch me, and follow me around and talk about me!!!
I will never ever forgive him or speak to him again. I literally have not spoken a word to him in over 2 months, yet all of this is still going on! He is such a jerk!
When we were talking I let him go for a lot of reasons. Like he threatened me and my friends saying he had stuff on them that he would tell people about, and he threatened to have this girl T.j. beat me and he threatened to have his guy friends beat me...and he's still going on with that and she doesn't even know about it....And he spent the night at other girls' houses while we were dating, and yes he openly admits to that, he even told me about it in an email trying to get me to forgive him!!! He was always constantly "reminding me" that he thought he could get any other girl if he wanted, and that he constantly thought about/ was tempted to cheat on me!!! Then he wants me to forgive him!!!He thinks everybody likes him and is so full of himself. In reality though whenever he leaves my homeroom all his "friends" talk about him and say how weird he is!!! So this is so ridiculous!!! ugh anyways he totally is still stalking me and just came in here sot I totally have to go...I may or may not continue ranting later.lol...welll bye for now....and please pray for me....I want this all to end , and would like it to not involve me going to prison for murder one. lol......okay...bye bye...lol.....

A Dream.

Flooded with pain,
Filled with despair.
Depression owns
Her now lost cares.
Forever searching,
For the one.
The one who will be,
Her setting sun.
The one who hears,
Her desperate pleas.
The one who shares,
Her deepest needs.
The one who bleeds,
When hers runs dry.
The one who sees,
Through all her lies.
Who shares the mask,
Of cheerful smiles.
Who sits in darkness,
All the while.
Who holds her hand,
While she hurts most.
Who feels the pain,
In all her boasts.
Who lies with her,
In midnight seas.
Who swears that
He will never leave.

......

Two hearts bleeding,
Together as one.
You are my only,
You are my sun.
My passion for life,
My reason to breathe.
The light of my life,
You set me free.

Idiots

Well, boys are so stupid and creepy. Now this retarded one is like stalking me and its getting so old. And the boy that I've liked/secretly had other feelings for doesn't even know it! or if he does he's acting like he doesn't. This is so depressing. I want him to wake up and see it! Then this other guy that I liked on and off obviously knows I like him, but just keeps on playing. It's sad that I can never get the guys I want but I'm bombarded with the guys that I don't want. ugh this is so stupid and depressing, but whatever. .......

Awesome poem by awesome guy for me

Midnight Blue.
I whisper poetry in your ear,
yet you tell me to stop.
I began moving my hands across your body,
and your temperature's blazing hot.
To cool you off, I dip my fingers in some freezing water,
you push them away saying they'll wake our newborn daughters.
I gently grab our baby girls from out of your arms
then I place them in their cribs.
It always does the charm.

I soon think about we met in high school that day
I walked right up and said,"Hi, I'm Johnathan Ray."
You were silent but I knew you had to be mine,
I couldn't stop thinking about you in class,
saying that you were so fine.
Here we are years later
doing so well
You're a physical anthropologist
and my writings are going well
But you know how they say red is the color of love
Well, that may be true
But the color of our love
Will forever be midnight blue.

Still Dreaming

omgeez....I keep on telling people that i'm not sure what i want to be in the future or that im debating between a few possibilities, but they keep on asking. The truth is I know exactly wat i want to be/ what i want to do. I want to be a professional cellist. I always have and I always will. The sad thing is that it currently doesnt seem to be possible because of money problems we just cant afford it and it really hurts me.
So I try and try to get over it and move on but every time a listen to a cellist play it comes back again. That feeling that that is what im meant to do.
If I could continue playing it would be perfect. I could travel the world and play. My two dreams combined. Its rather depressing that it didnt work out. I guess I'm just going to have to do whatever it takes no matter what to get there.

Finally Free

wow...

Lately I've made a lot of big decisions regarding my life that I thought I'd regret, but I actually don't. I'm doing fairly well right now. My emotional state hasn't exactly changed, but I guess I try not to think about all things depressing too much anymore. I've met some new people at my church and they're definitely assisting in going on day by day.

I've decided that in two years when I turn eighteen I'm definitely getting out of here. I don't currently have anyone to hold me back so unless that changes I'll be gone. I'm not sure where exactly I'll go. Used to I would have said Princeton but now I'm not really set on what exactly life holds for me after high school . I just know that I'm always going to be traveling all over the world. I don't think I'll ever stay in one place for very long. A year at most. Unless something dramatic happens that ties me down to a place.

I used to always be looking for a boyfriend or wish that I had one, but now I've realized that I really don't need one. I'm not looking for one at all anymore. I don't want to be like these girls that settle down with their high school sweethearts and stay in Tennessee all their lives. I don't want to have someone to hold me back. I want to go everywhere and experience everything I can. So that way when I get old and am nearing death I can say that I've truly lived life to the fullest.

I might date occassionally but I'm not looking for anyone or planning on settling down unless God just straight up throws someone at me; right in my face; like an undeniable sign. And if he does they better be able to keep up with me...lol...My honest opinion is that women don't really need men for anything. We're very capable all on our own.

I think through all my recent and past experiences I've discovered something to truly look forward to and be happy about, and that's living.

Just experiencing all you can while you can.

Sick of this

Agh.....Life in general is so exhausting. There's so many choices and I never know which ones to make. And all this betrayal is getting really old. I'm beginning to run out of friends. Well I didn't have but a few to start with so that's pretty bad. I'm so sick of my "friends" jumping me for apparently not being a good friend when there's not a moment when they aren't turning on me.
I know that I haven't always been the best friend. I've always been sorry for that and have tried to change repeatedly. Most recently out of my stupidity I really hurt one of my friends by some very wrong accusations I made. I'm definitely sorry for that and I hate myself for it and repeatedly hope that she can forgive me.
But then right when I try to change I mess up again.
It doesn't really help though when my "friends" turn on me when I'm trying the hardest to be a better person. I blog on here to vent my issues. So some of my "friends" decided to read it and get mad. Then they decided to vent all about me in their blog and said not to hold it against them because it's just a blog when they turned around and held mine against me.
I've done some pretty crappy stuff in the past and I definitely am not proud of it, but it's the past so I'm trying to move on. Then my "friend" decides to throw it in my face and say that I apparently accuse her of bad stuff she does when I've "done way worse stuff in my past". She has no right to judge me for that. I do not accuse her for what she does wrong ever.
Then when I got into it with some people on the philadelphia trip she decides to stick up for Erin instead of me. If I'd been in her position I would have done the exact opposite. When Erin supposedly got "uberpissed" I would have told her that she had no right to be pissed when she was the one who started all that in the first place and that Autumn shouldn't have got mad at Mariah without knowing the whole story but it wasn't your place to tell him some rumors.

But no even now when we talk about it apparently Erin is the truly righteous one. Give me a break. Really??? She wonders why I said I feel friendless...well here's the prime example.
People are really starting to get old. You know what? Life is getting old.

What is there to be happy about? Most friends are traitors. Racism is everywhere. Being mixed means I get hated double as much as everyone else. Hate is everywhere. Even family can't be trusted. They hate you as much as everyone else. No matter how much or where you run you can't escape.
You know what I just don't care anymore. I'm sick of the world and almost everyone in it.
And if someone reads this and goes on about this being one of my "pity me" things they can kiss my ass and shut the hell up because they have "pity me" moments all the time.

Some people say I have a dark side. I definitely don't deny that. But I guarantee them that they've never seen it and they should be thankful for that. If they ever do they'll wish they hadn't.

life

Omgeez....today has definitely been challenging...I have to get together my powerpoint presentation and turn it in today, and I'm still having continual guy issues....This guy that I mentioned in the previous blog has still been giving out mixed signs...it's so confusing I don't know what to do...Besides that my life is just really stressful and basically garbage right now...I'm having trouble handling everything that's going on...People are continually talking about me and spreading rumors and calling me a loser, so I'm having a really rough and depressing time....Plus one of my friends is obviously depressed and won't admit it, well atleast to me she won't. She acts like she feels friendless, and I hate that. I wish she'd just come talk to me about it, because I know what she's going through. I feel depressed and friendless alot of the time too. I hope she knows I'm there for her. I can't even imagine or compare to all the bad times she's had, but she's my friend and I love her and I'll always be there to talk when she needs me.......

My life is going rather badly. My mom told me that I'm a crybaby and I'm ruining her life so she doesn't want to hear my problems anymore...yeah...that hurt....I've been in and out of the hospital alot lately too and it sucks because they have no idea whats wrong, but cancer is definitely suspected...I guess I just wish I was loved by someone...I feel so alone...People keep beating and battering me repeatedly and it feels like I'm so broken that I can't be fixed. Every time I get attatched to someone and start to trust them it's like they use that to attack me.......
I hate this...it sounds stupid but sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to die, or if it would be better if I was gone...I feel so abandoned........

Turd Beast

First of all what the heck is a turd beast? Really? someone sent me a picture of one on myspace and it looks like a mix between a llama and a turd. How would you make one of those? What? Maybe feed a llama a turd??? Someone please give me your opinions. That was a ridiculous thing. But I totally want one now! That way I can walk up to someone and say do you have a turdbeast? I do...People say alpacas are where the real money is but I think turdbeasts are going to be the new fur to have. It's going to be a turdolution

In My Mind

Ha! I totally found the poem I wrote so here it is.

In My Mind

Violent thoughts
Cowards lie
I lie down
Prepared to die

Crimson pools
Tears still flow
Full of pain
Please make it go

Life fades out
Dark flows in
Don't wake up
Still shadows win

Podcasting

well for podcasting class we're s'posed to blog about what we've learned...well...I've learned how to make a wiki...I've learned how to get on blackboard...and I got to make this awesome blog!!!! So yea.... in our blog we had trouble with the sound and stuff.

hmmm

Well I'm sitting here in podcasting and i'm kinda borededed....I had this really awesome poem I was gonna put on here that I wrote but now I can't find it. That's kinda depressing...There's this really great guy here at upward bound that I really like. He's sweet and nice and smart and cute and even religous. He's totally awesomeness. Plus he's on my greek team. But I don't know if he likes me back or not...Lol now he's even calling me Halle Berry because he says that she's totally gorgeous and beautiful and that apparently I look like her...I really don't know what to do about him...I'm so confusededed...I really wanna know whats gonna happen with him and whether he likes me back or not!!! ahhh!!!! I can't tell his name cause I'm afraid he'd find out somehow...But if you know me well then you know who he is. I just have no clue what to do! someone help! Give me some advice or something already!!!

Lover

With tears for you
I fall defeated
Are you really true
Or just conceited

I lie here bleeding
Blade in hand
Hope is fleeting
Just one small strand

Where will you stand
Do I live or Die
My life in your hands
What shall you decide

podcasting

My podcasting thingy is becoming so boring! This sux for real! I think ashlie and i are going to do ours about poetry and music. I'm just not sure what exactly to do it on. I think we're going to do ours about Dark poetry and music. the url is http://doubleagirls.mypodcast.com

Finishing our wiki

Our wiki is turning out to be alot of fun. I've discovered alot of good dark poets on http://www.darkpoetry.com/ its a pretty awesome site. This whole podcasting class has turned out to be pretty fun. I'm definitely enjoying it.

Our poetry wiki.

Ashlie and I are doing our wiki about poetry. I'm definetly going to enjoy this because I love to read and write poetry. Dark poetry is my favorite. I think I'm even going to start putting good poems on my blog.
I'm very excited about this. I love poetry because it's such a great outlet of personal expression. I like dark poetry in particular because it shows such real and deep emotions. It's all beautiful to me.

Good poem

I totally just found this awesome poem-

Underneath the Happy Face by-Jess Wood

Look her in the face, you see a young happy girl
Remove the mask and you see a hideous, deformed creature
Frightened and scared, all alone, worthless and no good
Crying tears of blood, pain, suffering all her life

Looking for a way out, the tears run down
She puts on the mask, and all is well
Once again she is a beautiful, happy girl
But underneath it all, the tears of blood still flow.

falalala

So now my research paper isn't going quite as bad as I thought before. Although, that's probably because I'm b.s.ing it. I have also realized I have an addiction to blogging.lol. So I am totally borededed now. All these dramatic decisions are starting to really stress me out. This guy from pcub that i used to like and date is now wanting me to go back out with him or whatever and I'm so confusededed! Idk what to do about all this mess! I'm definitely glad to be back here though. At home my mother was really starting to get on my nerves. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a professional poet?
I was trying to write some poetry the other day because I used to all the time, and it was really crappy.lol. Then for Rhea's class we had to look up a blog on the internet that we liked and i discovered that no one really writes any good dark poetry anymore! It's so tragic ! and i haven't written in so long that I can't think of anything to write about! Maybe in a few days I can think of something to write and put on here!

more crap about the first day!

I'm still here on the first day back. I have absolutely no idea what to write about for my research paper, but I definetly have discovered that I definitely dont want to be a social worker. Thats becoming the most boring thing ever.
Besides my research project being crappy there is so much drama getting spread around here! It's ridiculous! Everyone is spreading rumors about lesbians and hobags and all kinds of other untrue crap.
I cant wait til down under tonight. I just hope it stops raining.
I talked to Nancy again last night about going to Princeton University while we're in New Jersey and she said we can either go there or to Hershey Park "what would I rather do?". It's so irritating! Now I have to choose between fun or future, but I definitely think I'd rather go to Princeton.
Now this whole thing has just come out about four governer's school kids having swine flu which is definitely scary seeing as they are staying on campus with us. It's freaky!
I'm definitely dreading having two more classes today! osteology will probably be so boring! I wish it was tommorrow so I'd have podcasting again!

first day back

Omgeez the first day back at upward bound this week has been brutal. It was raining quite hard earlier and mary jo and I had to share my tiny little umbrella, so both of us and all of our stuff got soaked. Luckily it stopped raining but it still looks kind of dark outside.
Writing my research paper isnt going too well. I really wanted to write it on being a professional cellist but there wasnt enough information so I have to write it on being a social worker. That's definetly not wat im passionate about so blech! well this class is over so i gotsta go.

First week of Summer Session

My first week at the summer session has definetly been fun. I've met alot of new people and made alot of new friends. I enjoy all of my classes except for algebra 2 and act english and reading. I especially like podcasting and psychology.
When everyone arrived at the start of this week they all were very happy and excited, but now that its getting later in the week people have really came down. Its thursday and at this point we all are tired and crabby and getting tired of each other. I'd say that next week will probably be like this too. People will be happy on monday and angry by friday.
Alot of my friends have gotten really homesick, but I'm actually dreading going back home tommorrow. It really sucks. I'm gonna try to sleep through saturday and most of sunday so that way it'll go by quicker and I can come back here and be all happy again.
Upward Bound is an amazing program and everyone is always so nice. Unlike normal school, here everyone is really friendly and no matter who you are or what you look like everyone wants to be your friend. It's AWESOME!!!!
My greek team is Zeta Chi and its totally cool except for the fact that its led by Grace and she calls me satan. I definetly think we are totally gonna win that greek team trophy again this year.
My interest group is my favorite part of the whole summer program. I'm in the culinary arts group. Brian leads our group which is great(he gave me brewer bucks for making fun of Grace), and I'm in the cooking group(cooler) not the baking group. So we get to do two cooking nights, one is italian and the other is soul food. I'm so excited about doing the italian one because we're making chicken spiedeli, fettucini alfredo(we're making our own noodles and sauce), and we're doing a ceasar salad and making our own italian dressing. It's going to be AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So upward bound is turning out amazing so far. I can not wait til the Philadelphia trip because Mary Jo and I are really wanting to go to Princeton while we're there. Princeton University is where I'm planning on going and its less than an hour away from where we'll be staying. So Mj and I brought up the idea to Brian and he said that if we make a proposal he would totally present it to Nancy! I'm so excited! Plus next summer I think I'm going to try to get into govener school and Brian said that since his wife works there and apparently is an important person he said that if I drop his name I can probably get in alot easier! It's so amazing! Upward Bound is turning out to be extremely beneficial to me. When I first joined the program I never imagined it would be so helpful, but now I would reccomend that anyone who is planning on attending college join upward bound.

All about totally wonderful me!!!

My name is Autumn McDaniel. I'm a junior at Carter High School. Now I am currently at Upward Bound at the University of Tennessee!!! Another totally awesome thing about me is that when I get older I'd like to go to Juliard and become a professional cellist! Plus I'm a totally wacky laughy person, but I do have my brutally honest moments! But I love most ppl. I am definetly a christian too!!! I love Jesus and I love my church Outcast Fellowship! We're a new church and we're currently meeting at the carmike theater on millertown pike on sunday mornings at 10:37. Yea i know its an odd time but its easy to remember.lol. Anybody that wants to visit my church is more than welcome so come on in!! Theres lots more to say but I'm running out of time so SEE YA!!!!

what i probably don't know

What i know is that this class is about podcasting and digital media.
What i want to know is everything i don't know about podcasting and digital media which is basically everything. I also want to know why Rhea doesn't seem to remember me from Carter!
What i learned...