Sick of this

Agh.....Life in general is so exhausting. There's so many choices and I never know which ones to make. And all this betrayal is getting really old. I'm beginning to run out of friends. Well I didn't have but a few to start with so that's pretty bad. I'm so sick of my "friends" jumping me for apparently not being a good friend when there's not a moment when they aren't turning on me.
I know that I haven't always been the best friend. I've always been sorry for that and have tried to change repeatedly. Most recently out of my stupidity I really hurt one of my friends by some very wrong accusations I made. I'm definitely sorry for that and I hate myself for it and repeatedly hope that she can forgive me.
But then right when I try to change I mess up again.
It doesn't really help though when my "friends" turn on me when I'm trying the hardest to be a better person. I blog on here to vent my issues. So some of my "friends" decided to read it and get mad. Then they decided to vent all about me in their blog and said not to hold it against them because it's just a blog when they turned around and held mine against me.
I've done some pretty crappy stuff in the past and I definitely am not proud of it, but it's the past so I'm trying to move on. Then my "friend" decides to throw it in my face and say that I apparently accuse her of bad stuff she does when I've "done way worse stuff in my past". She has no right to judge me for that. I do not accuse her for what she does wrong ever.
Then when I got into it with some people on the philadelphia trip she decides to stick up for Erin instead of me. If I'd been in her position I would have done the exact opposite. When Erin supposedly got "uberpissed" I would have told her that she had no right to be pissed when she was the one who started all that in the first place and that Autumn shouldn't have got mad at Mariah without knowing the whole story but it wasn't your place to tell him some rumors.

But no even now when we talk about it apparently Erin is the truly righteous one. Give me a break. Really??? She wonders why I said I feel friendless...well here's the prime example.
People are really starting to get old. You know what? Life is getting old.

What is there to be happy about? Most friends are traitors. Racism is everywhere. Being mixed means I get hated double as much as everyone else. Hate is everywhere. Even family can't be trusted. They hate you as much as everyone else. No matter how much or where you run you can't escape.
You know what I just don't care anymore. I'm sick of the world and almost everyone in it.
And if someone reads this and goes on about this being one of my "pity me" things they can kiss my ass and shut the hell up because they have "pity me" moments all the time.

Some people say I have a dark side. I definitely don't deny that. But I guarantee them that they've never seen it and they should be thankful for that. If they ever do they'll wish they hadn't.

life

Omgeez....today has definitely been challenging...I have to get together my powerpoint presentation and turn it in today, and I'm still having continual guy issues....This guy that I mentioned in the previous blog has still been giving out mixed signs...it's so confusing I don't know what to do...Besides that my life is just really stressful and basically garbage right now...I'm having trouble handling everything that's going on...People are continually talking about me and spreading rumors and calling me a loser, so I'm having a really rough and depressing time....Plus one of my friends is obviously depressed and won't admit it, well atleast to me she won't. She acts like she feels friendless, and I hate that. I wish she'd just come talk to me about it, because I know what she's going through. I feel depressed and friendless alot of the time too. I hope she knows I'm there for her. I can't even imagine or compare to all the bad times she's had, but she's my friend and I love her and I'll always be there to talk when she needs me.......

My life is going rather badly. My mom told me that I'm a crybaby and I'm ruining her life so she doesn't want to hear my problems anymore...yeah...that hurt....I've been in and out of the hospital alot lately too and it sucks because they have no idea whats wrong, but cancer is definitely suspected...I guess I just wish I was loved by someone...I feel so alone...People keep beating and battering me repeatedly and it feels like I'm so broken that I can't be fixed. Every time I get attatched to someone and start to trust them it's like they use that to attack me.......
I hate this...it sounds stupid but sometimes I really wonder what it would be like to die, or if it would be better if I was gone...I feel so abandoned........

Turd Beast

First of all what the heck is a turd beast? Really? someone sent me a picture of one on myspace and it looks like a mix between a llama and a turd. How would you make one of those? What? Maybe feed a llama a turd??? Someone please give me your opinions. That was a ridiculous thing. But I totally want one now! That way I can walk up to someone and say do you have a turdbeast? I do...People say alpacas are where the real money is but I think turdbeasts are going to be the new fur to have. It's going to be a turdolution

In My Mind

Ha! I totally found the poem I wrote so here it is.

In My Mind

Violent thoughts
Cowards lie
I lie down
Prepared to die

Crimson pools
Tears still flow
Full of pain
Please make it go

Life fades out
Dark flows in
Don't wake up
Still shadows win

Podcasting

well for podcasting class we're s'posed to blog about what we've learned...well...I've learned how to make a wiki...I've learned how to get on blackboard...and I got to make this awesome blog!!!! So yea.... in our blog we had trouble with the sound and stuff.

hmmm

Well I'm sitting here in podcasting and i'm kinda borededed....I had this really awesome poem I was gonna put on here that I wrote but now I can't find it. That's kinda depressing...There's this really great guy here at upward bound that I really like. He's sweet and nice and smart and cute and even religous. He's totally awesomeness. Plus he's on my greek team. But I don't know if he likes me back or not...Lol now he's even calling me Halle Berry because he says that she's totally gorgeous and beautiful and that apparently I look like her...I really don't know what to do about him...I'm so confusededed...I really wanna know whats gonna happen with him and whether he likes me back or not!!! ahhh!!!! I can't tell his name cause I'm afraid he'd find out somehow...But if you know me well then you know who he is. I just have no clue what to do! someone help! Give me some advice or something already!!!

Lover

With tears for you
I fall defeated
Are you really true
Or just conceited

I lie here bleeding
Blade in hand
Hope is fleeting
Just one small strand

Where will you stand
Do I live or Die
My life in your hands
What shall you decide